My Letter To You After We Lost Our Son

My dear James,

The day Enzo went back to our Creator, I drifted away but you brought me back. You were my rock during the worst days of our lives.

I am sorry for being weak. I am sorry that you will celebrate Father’s Day missing him when we should be sending him off to college. I am sorry that you are on this painful journey, but thank you for your continued love and patience while your own heart is breaking.

I miss taking pictures of these three together.

I remember the first time Enzo had a breakdown, you remained calm and loving. You were firm as I crumbled from frustrations. You held me and told me he will be okay. You stayed positive and hopeful while I fell apart. I know you were worried and scared too but you stayed strong for both of us. Mostly, keeping it together for me.

I’m sorry, I wasn’t home. I’m sorry you brought him to the hospital alone. I’m sorry you were not able to stay with him in the hospital because you had to attend the police investigation. I’m sorry if I wasn’t there for you when you needed me too.

Thank you for holding me while I sobbed into your chest. Thank you for bringing the priest to Enzo. Thank you for laying him to his final rest. Thank you for assuring me we would be okay. Though I didn’t think that was possible, I trusted you. I have you.

You are the only person who truly knows the depth of my pain. The day our beautiful boy took his last breath, I was left wondering how I will keep on breathing. I don’t know what I would do without you. I know for sure I cannot breathe unless you take my hand and breathe with me. Thank you for holding my hands through the darkest days of my grief and crying with me.

Thank you for being his Dad. Thank you for loving him and praying for him.

I know you are falling apart too. You miss him.

We miss a huge part of us and we will be forever broken. I see it in your eyes when you look at his little brother. I know it makes you sad that you will never get to see them grow old together. It makes me sad too. Even though we show our grief differently, you love him just the same as I do. We are on this together and by God’s grace, we will heal, find joy and learn to chase a new dream.

The moment you brought me back, I choose to stay with you and Vito. Together, we will chase a new future far different from what we have planned with Enzo but we will love deeply because from now on I will love you in him and you will love me in him. We will continue to love Enzo through each other and through his love for Vito.

Happy Father’s Day!

Always,

Cindy